Why Jay Itches

(Read 'Y', 'J', 'H's)
So I thought pronouncing Jurgen Klinsmann as Yorgen Klinsmaan was bad enough. Then I became a Domino's fan and by-the-way 'jalapeno sauce is actually yalapino sauce', or so I learnt. So I generalized and imbibed the weird-but-true substitution of J with Y every time I heard a foreign word.
Of course, San Jose could't be a foreign word, but it was. The first time I was on Caltrain from Stanford to San Jose, I didn't recognize the eerie rendering of the name on the arrival announcement system. So I asked a really really old woman where I had landed up, and she said 'Suh Hosay'. In a God-triggered flash of incredible brilliance, I decoded the phonetic isomorphism and alighted, ah, to Suh Hosay.
(But then by the same trick, San Francisco should have been Suh Fruhcisco, but instead turned out to be Frisco. Just that? Yup! Be cool, my babies.)
Anyways, by now I realized there was something fundamentally different between German, English and Spanish. I later came across a tin of diced tomatoes and jalapenos, and then my IBABCD roommate (Indian born, American bred) told me they were tomatoes and halapenos. Ah, so Js are really Hs, is it, hmm.
Of course, Taqueria Vallarta is Taqueria Vayarta, just like Versailles was Vehsayee. So French and Spanish agreed on the substitution of LL for Y, so Y suddenly became interesting again. But hey, H substituted R, so now H is clamoring for attention too! (But S goes silent whenever your tongue tires, which makes it a darling. Not surprising, then, that it is universally employed in the word Sssshhh. Now don't ask me what the Hs do at the end, I seriously don't know.)
Now it makes sense to mix close-enough languages together (as much as it makes sense to mix Hindi and Urdu, or Bangla and Bangal). Now what major phoren language have we not considered? Italian! But then, Gucci is really Goochi, which means when there are too many Cs, some of them can conveniently go to Hs. (Js, meanwhile, want attention too, so they mischievously substitute Gs in English. How childish is that!)
Having speculated thus, it seems that H and Y are really important to the language. This is surprising, since they are generally looked down upon as the most irritatingly-conspicuous-and-expensive-but-good-for-nothing letters of the alphabet. What, they don't even have intuitive phonetic names, who would have guessed that 'aich' is used to start holy wars and 'why' is used to say yeah baby.
On the other hand, letters like J really itch, because they are so so expendable. Of course Jay Leno would hardly like to be called Gay Leno, but we could write Gee!Aye! Leno, and he would certainly be happier than he currently is.

So why are you so silent? It's Amerika, my friend, we don't need U to add color to our language.