Good morning

Sweetheart,

I went to church with K this morning. I can't seem to remember the last time I was in church.*
(There was this one time three years ago when I was sitting there for a couple of hours staring and whispering at Him because I badly wanted something. After praying for some time, the serenity got to me, I started feeling bad about wanting anything, and so I just sat there trying to flush my mind instead. I tried to feel threads untangling, water flowing in. It took time, but it worked bit by bit. At the end of it all, I could feel Him, His tilted head, His slanted gaze rushing into me in bursts, and I could feel myself feeling sleepy, clean and fresh. What was amazing was that when I tried doing the same thing on a couple of subsequent visits, I couldn't recreate the flow. There was a strange sense of untruth that guarded the gates the whole time.)

I set up this visit with K a couple of nights back. R and I went out to have some Thai, then thought of hanging out at the beach for some time. Then on the bus R got a call from S, saying M and he were going for The Interpreter, so we detoured. At the Metro we found G and K, so they came along too. After the show, I asked K if I could join her for church this Sunday.

(There was this other time I went with N, before we started having fights. It was a short five-minute stay, and when I closed my eyes I didn't for once think of Him, my mind was full of N, or the idea that I was with her, and what was going to follow. Everything was such a sham.)

Then last night I drunk till 6. At around 10, somebody called somebody, the phone was right beside me because I'd used it before sleeping, in any case I woke up, blabbered something about somebody being in the shower, and got up. K had mailed asking if I was coming. I almost said no, but wrote that I think I'm coming, although I'm feeling really drowsy and I don't know what I'm writing. She said she'll pass by in five minutes. I tried calling her, but got her answering machine. I brushed my teeth, got dressed and came out just in time.

(V would take me to a church every Sunday night in Sydney a couple of years back. The whole place would be lit by candles, the ones inside round glass cups, and I could close my eyes and feel Him flowing with ease. I'd fallen in love with the place. It would make me so quiet; we would come out into the chill, silently looking ahead. I would then walk back, hands deep in my jacket, head down, eyes on the asphalt running back through my legs.)

K started talking. I told her that if she finds herself talking for some time without me responding, she should excuse me. She said she was groggy too. We walked to the base of campus. I started taking the wrong crossing, but she was more alert than I was. We sat waiting for the bus and talked. The bus came, passed a lot of churches till we got to the one we were going to.

She kept asking me if I was feeling cold, I kept saying that it was the excitement. Then we got inside, and the mass started soon after. I was feeling a bit sick the first few minutes. Then some angels began singing. It felt so nice. They sang and I sang inside. There were two with guitars, one at the piano, four females singing at one scale and a male singing at another. A brook deep inside a forest. And sometimes waves building up one after the other, except that I could never see them break.

There was a couple infront, sitting so close. Their shoulders almost overlapped, so close. I missed you so much. I wished you would hear the carols, and smile that smile you smile when you love something so much that you can't say how much, yet the twinkle in your eyes and the flush of your cheeks say how much. I promised I would bring you here every Sunday.

There were so many old people. I got blessed by a very old woman. And then there were so many small children carrying the cross, the wine, hurrying around the altar, and coming back with proud, smiling faces.

The Lord has made this day, let us recite and be glad.

When we came out, K took me to a chapel and we spent another minute or two there. It was even more beautiful. Then she took me to an old stone building. She said it was a brick building, but I did not want to tell her otherwise. She asked why I was grinning constantly. How could I tell her how good I felt. There was a park, we came across a fireplace, some other signs of fire been lit, and lots of wooden tree trunk stubs to sit on, and fairly long dark green grass. K said we should have a barbeque here sometime. I agreed. She showed me a place on the top of a small hill, from where you could see most of the downtown area. She said she loved Santa Cruz. She said one of the things she loved was that one could explore so many places on foot. She kept looking for some stairs that would lead us down, saying she knew they were here somewhere. I didn't want her to find them, but she did eventually. Even the stairs were cute.

We had lunch at Asian Rose. K said she's found out this morning that I'm non-vegetarian, that I like eggplant and that kids make me smile. We talked for some more time. Sometime in between I told her she was a lot like J, except that I did not mention J. Before that, we reached Peach Terrace. It was around 1:30. It wasn't morning anymore.

Humpies,
A.

* I remember now, a couple of days later.